02 November 2004 // 11:23 p.m.

But This Isn't Me / Why Does Life Always Get In My Way / One More Year's Come And Gone / And Nothing's Changed At All

I don't understand why some people can know that they are each other's happily ever after the day they meet, and other people feel like it takes years to even consider the idea. I know everyone has different needs, but to me it just seems like a love can't be passionate enough to fit my needs if it's something that has to develop and isn't just there from the start. Of course timing and circumstances are in control of how two people are able to express their love, but they shouldn't be the deciding factors for the amount of love itself. But then again....what the hell do I know? And hey, if I married the first guy who came along and made me happy in the beginning....I shudder to think where Iíd be now.

So, how about a little delving into the issue of the day? At the core of my plethora of emotional complexes, we have my parents. Now, I know they love me in their own ways, but the problem is they really don't care that much about love, since they're both pretty selfish. And I won't even get into the damage my first stepmother caused, because even after all these years it's still impossible to sort out. It bothers me that neither my mom or dad can remember my first word nor when I said it, how old I was when I started walking, or when I lost my first tooth. They have very little sentimental attachment to me whatsoever, actually. 95% of the pictures taken of me growing up were thanks to my grandmother, and I only saw her a couple times a year. My parents don't know much of anything about me, and while I won't say it's all their fault since there are plenty of things I don't talk about with them, it would be nice if they cared to remember what I'm going to school for or that (aside from our month or so apart) I've had the same boyfriend for almost a year.

The point I'm trying to make is, if I feel like my very own parents have never even had much interest in me, maybe that's why I hold it as so important an issue in a significant other. Since I never really felt like I had a "family" more than I was simply an obligation to people who wish an abortion had been feasible, I guess this is why I want too much to build my own family with someone who cares about all the things my parents didn't, and isn't highly concerned with the things they were interested in. When it comes down to it, I guess I don't think that love and happiness and purpose are things I can have on my own. I guess a lot of people do, but I know that my ultimate happiness will never be separate from someone else--and I don't see how it can be, because if you could fulfill all your needs yourself, why would you ever need someone else? I know a lot of people base pride on how much they can make themselves stand out from the crowd, but me....I will be proud when I can finally turn my life into some kind of normalcy. Deep down I've always had this feeling of just being ugly, different, unworthy of having good things happen to me....so I guess, for me, being proud of myself means finally finding happiness--overcoming the years of emotional abuse and not being afraid anymore. This is not to say I can't stand alone and I need someone to always be holding my hand, but when the day is done, I want someone who feels like my true home.

...And then I just feel so pathetic and wrong, like I'm too needy and getting ahead of myself, and I really just want the earth to open up and swallow me whole.


_______________________________________________________________________________________________

25 October 2004 // 1:12 p.m.

Happy Birthday To Me!

I've been spending so much time on other things lately I haven't had a chance to update, but I would just like to say thank you to everyone for the birthday wishes!

Special thanks to Matt and Lauren, hands down the greatest roommates ever, for my very awesome waitstaff-inspired serenade at midnight. You guys are the greatest!

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

17 October 2004 // 1:06 p.m.

Happy (Upcoming) Birthday To Me!

Ok, this officially does it, I feel better :D

"So I remember your birthday is coming up very soon on the 25th, and I don't know what you have planned, so I just want to try to beat everyone to it and wish you a very good birthday.† Because remember, there's not many times in life when you have same†double digits for your age!"

I never thought of looking at it that way :)




_______________________________________________________________________________________________

16 October 2004 // 10:23 p.m.

60% of Married Men Have Affairs

Fucking "Waiting To Exhale"! I'm watching this damn movie and it's all, men suck, fuck 'em, cry cry cry......and then what happens? HAPPY ENDING!! Gaaaaaaaa!!!!

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

16 October 2004 // 2:56 p.m.

Dun Dun Dun Dun....

Considering my 21st birthday brought with it bigger hips, the death of my metabolism, and neverending problems with my reproductive system, I'm wondering if I should just go crawl under the covers and wait it out until my 22nd is over....?

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

14 October 2004 // 9:25 p.m.

Hey (St.) Jude

Life makes no sense. I mean, I guess it's not supposed to or there'd be nothing exciting about it, but seriously.... a *little* sanity certainly wouldn't make life too boring, now would it?

I'm getting more than a little tired of this whole "life has to suck a lot so you can appreciate the good times" shit already.

"All these traces of [her] life seemed to seize hold of [her] and say to [her]: 'No, you won't escape us and be different, you'll be the same as you were: with doubts, an eternal dissatisfaction with yourself, vain attempts to improve, and failures, and an eternal expectation of the happiness that has eluded you and is not possible for you.'" --Anna Karenina

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

11 October 2004 // 1:58 p.m.

With A Smirk On Your Face And A Gun At My Head, You Come To My Place And Ask To Be Fed

Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't

Often I wonder if the problem is that you just never understood how much I love you....or that you did.

So anyway, what a weekend. After last week being so rough, it was nice to have a totally crazy Friday night.... in a nutshell, we traiped around New Brunswick with only our right shoes on, danced on tables at some random party we thought was in our building and wasn't, and I stole someone else's left flipflop. I guess it pays to live with a woman so gorgeous as Ms. Dahl ;) Saturday there was dinner with Heather and then I headed to the shore to hang with the family for a bit. Sunday my cousin and I saw Ladder 49 (which was amazing, you should definitely go see it--it would be impossible to come home from this movie not feeling a huge new appreciation for life) and then we had kind of a family dinner at Friday's which turned out to be for my birthday--except I didn't know that until they started the singing, and oh how I hate the singing! But it was fun, and a great day overall.

On another note, I have to say.... I never cease to be amazed at the way things work. I have come to the conclusion that everything that has been happening to me emotionally lately is probably well-deserved, karmically speaking. I hope I can someday have the graciousness to tell Mike I am sorry someone broke his heart the way he broke mine (if, of course, that ever becomes a possibility), as my two most horribly ended boyfriends have come forth and offered me in the past few days. I feel like I am in the position with him that they were in with me, and now that I fully understand how much I must have hurt them, I find it amazing they wouldn't find joy in my pain. Truthfully, I know that what I put them through was far less selfish and cold than what Mike did to me, but nonetheless, I'm sure it hurt just as much.

I wish that there could be a time where everything was on some kind of calm plateau, instead of always having so much in complete chaos. Before this Mike disaster, I really thought everything was getting close to perfect.... and then I got dumped, I got medical crap to deal with, and this weekend the shitstorm pretty much became a hurricane on the homefront. My stress hit such a breaking point this morning I actually broke down sobbing in front of my mother, and let me tell you, I do NOT share anything personal with my mom. Argh. But then, there's always tomorrow....and I guess as long as I'm still breathing there are things to be happy for.

Aren't you glad I have this diary so I don't have to be doom and gloom all the time in real life? .....Me too.


_______________________________________________________________________________________________

07 October 2004 // 12:00 p.m.

Grumble Grumble

I just loooooove being a woman. ::the sarcasm here is killer, trust me::

Well, seeing as how this journal is my outlet:

Don't you love when you go to the doctor and they're like "well, who knows....could be something, could be nothing....why don't you get these 23 other tests done and we'll get back to you in a couple weeks?" I hate waiting. I want a sex change. Why do women have to deal with this gynocological crap? I'll take a penis now, thank you very much.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

06 October 2004 // 12:47 p.m.

I Feel That I Might Break Out Of Touch, Out Of Time

I'm missing your bed
I never sleep
I'm cuddling close
To blankets and sheets

I'm reading your notes over again
And there's not a word that I comprehend
How could you sign them
"I will love you always and forever"?

I'm missing your laugh
How did it break?
And when did your eyes begin to look fake?
I hope you're as happy as you 're pretending

I'm cuddling close
To blankets and sheets
I am alone in my defeat
I wish I knew you were safely at home

___________________________________________


God, would you listen to me? I'm getting so fucking Emo I'm sick of myself. I am sick of all of this. I am sick of how ridicuous everything is, and you are, and I am. When are you going to realize the last year did, in fact, happen, and you can't make it go away by ignoring it? To think of all the times you got angry at me for "acting like I'm [you were] going to break up with you [me] any second"--and isn't that exactly what you did?!? So basically, I gave you all I had to give in return for you "making time you didn't have" for me (and let you make me feel guilty and wrong when I brought it up), while you all but ignored how blessed you were to *ever* even find someone who loved you like I did and acted like I was too demanding, and to top it all off, tried to JUSTIFY all of this by saying you never HAD to make time for me in the first place. Well you know what? You make time for the things that are important to you--I bet you don't make your friends feel guilty for demanding too much of your time even though you see them everyday. And wait, it gets better--I try to give you the benefit of the doubt, I try to feel like it's ok for you to treat me this way because you don't technically have any commitments to my feelings to honor (despite how much I sacrificed in the past for you), and I try to RESPECT your choices, and what do you do? Call ME selfish! Tell me we can be friends and then IGNORE ME! Yeah, that's not being a selfish asshole or anything! You are one seriously selfish fucking person and it's hard for me not to hate myself for ever getting involved, and yet I still sit here and want nothing more than to work something out, some kind of peace that will probably never be because youíll never give a damn about showing me one final act of decency or own up to your actions and your moral obligation to me. I really hope you're so damn happy in your new life you could shit yourself, so you never have to acknowledge how you've made me feel--because I know if I ever treated someone else like this, I'd feel so ashamed I couldn't live with myself.

And I wonder.... is this what happens when you can't live up to your first impression?

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

04 October 2004 // 12:43 p.m.

What I've Succumb To Is Making Me Numb

I heard Bathwater on the radio the other day and I thought how it should have been on the soundtrack of our relationship, if I were still young enough to be making cd's of that sort:


My simpleness threatened by my own admission

I don't fit in so why do you want me?
And I know I can't tame you...but I just keep trying

On your list with all your other women
But I still love to wash in your old bathwater
You make me feel like I couldn't love another
I can't help it, you're my kind of my man

And so I pacify problems with kisses and cuddles
Diligently doubtful through all kinds of troubles
Then I find myself choking on all my contradictions

.................................................................................

Anyway, all in all it was a nice weekend. Andrew came for a visit, which is always a wonderful thing. Good times had by all. I also got to blather on about my stupid life and drama to Maria for a considerable amount of time, which always helps, and for her continual support and love I am eternally grateful. I have realized I'm still in a lot of pain and I still can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I have also realized that, though I don't have the person I most want, I am by no means alone. There are a lot of things I am hating myself for right now, but I suppose I will know better in the future. Life's a dance you learn as you go, right?


To ease my anxiety over spending this birthday without him, I decided to use up my gift certificates for the spa on a nice long pedicure. I have this thing about feet (I hate them) and I always try to keep mine looking nice because I'm totally neurotic about it, but I've never had a professional pedicure before, so I'm very much looking forward to it. They do a whole foot massage thing, which, in my opinion, for as much as I hate feet, is absolutely one of the greatest pleasures in life. So, on the morning of my birthday, I will be waking up bright and early for this little treat to myself, and hope it eases me through the emotional landslide I'm sure the day will bring. Hurrah.

I am forever amazed at the way life works.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

30 September 2004 // 12:57 p.m.

Surprise Surprise

When I went to visit my grandma over Labor Day weekend, she gave me my birthday present early so she didn't have to risk mailing it. So I finally just decided to hang it on the wall, and when I took it out of the packaging, out fell a picture she had put in of me and Mike from Spring Break. Which also happens to be a copy of the picture he used to make a present for me for our 6 month anniversary. Blargh. God....dammit....fuck. I hate the little unexpected reminders the most.... being caught off guard with things in this situation really sucks. And I stress "really sucks".

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

26 September 2004 // 3:56 p.m.

What A WONDERFUL World

So you know what? There is WAY more to life than this crap. Today was amazing, and considering up until a week and a half ago you loved me, I think you should still have come and been part of the support since it was about something so important to me, but whatever.

Today, I walked for my brother because he never could. Today, I knew he was walking with me for the first time. Today, I saw that one single person CAN make a huge difference, and love really does make the world go round.

How was your day?

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

24 September 2004 // 9:49 p.m.

Broken

I wanted you to know, I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph, and I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

ĎCause Iím broken when Iím lonesome
And I donít feel right when youíre gone away
You've gone away, you don't feel me, anymore

I'm sorry you have had to repress all the pain you felt about getting injured for the past couple years. I wish I could have helped you with it more than I did. I wish you had been able to talk to me about it more, and I wish I had known that you resented my support in trying to help you cope when you did talk, before you felt you had to go and do all this; I wish I had been able to make you understand that I have always been on your side. I wish I could have helped you find a sense of your life's purpose, before your longing for your loss developed into an obsession with fixing things by any means necessary. I wish it didn't have to be like this for you, as much as I wish it didn't have to be like this for me, even if that means you had never been injured and therefore never worked at Applebee's and met me in the first place.


Tonight Jay asked me how my heart was feeling, and if it was still broken. I tried to say better, but then I started sobbing. (Will this fucking crying at the drop of a hat just stop already?!) Then I was driving home behind this couple, and the girl had her hand on the back of the guy's head the way you used to like that I did. What did I do to deserve karma like this?

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

24 September 2004 // 12:55 a.m.

So Much For My Happy Ending

So, how long did it take you to fall out of love? A day? About a week? How much of your precious time did you give me?

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

23 September 2004 // 1:21 p.m.

One Upon A Year Gone By, She Saw Herself give In

When did I become the kind of woman who could miss a guy like you so much? When did I become so pathetic that I could be so sad I didn't have the ability to get angry at someone who could leave me just because he didn't feel like handling a relationship anymore? How is it that part of me wishes you would come back, and we could work it all out? Why do I blame myself, even though I know this has nothing to do with me? Why can't I make my heart understand it when my head says you're never coming home to me?

I used to be better than this. True, it's not like I'm a total mess, and no, my life isn't falling apart, but.... I miss you so much, I feel like it's crushing me. It's like that form of torture where they put rocks on top of you until you are finally killed by the weight.... as the days go by, the weight of missing you just gets heavier.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

22 September 2004 // 9:26 p.m.

Hurricane (The Formal Weather Patterns)

So I guess the dinner is Friday night, and I'm not going afterall. I think it was just fated that I would not get to go, since, after much discussion, it didn't happen last semester at all. Then again, I guess I still wouldn't have made it even if you gave me the right date in the first place, seeing as how that would have been last Friday. You should take a second to be grateful I don't have a malicious/ghettofabulous bone in my body, considering how crappy of a mood I'll be in Friday night and the fact that it would be easy to come cause a scene.

I guess it's true what they say about wanting most what you can't have. I often felt like I never completely had you, so I guess that's why I feel like such a failure now.... 10 months of trying to make you entirely mine, and in the end I never did. I think that's what bothers me the most.... feeling like this relationship was such a failure. Even though I was losing hope it would ever work, I still wanted it to. Like I said, I wanted what I couldn't have.... for the first time in my life, I finally felt like marriage and a family were things that were safe to believe in, even though I knew they were not really something you seemed to want, at least not within the timeframe I need to be looking at. Maybe the less you wanted these things was the more I wanted you to just out of principle, I don't know.... but I think that must be it, considering Tracey's practically offering me happily ever after on a silver platter and I don't want to touch it with a 10 foot pole. The mind reels.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

22 September 2004 // 1:29 p.m.

Let's Talk Semantics For A Moment, Shall We?

I wonder how long it will be before it's not impossible for me to refer to you as "my ex-boyfriend".

Just another ex-girlfriend on your list

But I should have thought of that before we kissed

I wonder what makes me so uncompelling of an individual that you aren't worried about being able to replace me when your one last season of soccer is over? Then again, I guess it will give you a chance to meet an athelete and live happily ever after with someone you can finally believe understands you, right?

Note to self: stay away from men who don't share exactly the same interests as you, else get dumped for "not understanding" them.

Just so you know.... I never held it against you that you didn't show any interest in MY interests, even though I tried to learn about and participate in yours as much as possible. But next time you want to talk about how you're not selfish and I don't understand you, think about how we went hiking, and to soccer games, and bowling vs. how we never went to a museum or spent a day in the city.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

21 September 2004 // 11:39 p.m.

A Sorta Fairytale

Tonight I will go to sleep in my princess bed, wishing you would remember that you once called me your princess.

Funny, I don't remember abdicating my throne.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

20 September 2004 // 10:54 p.m.

Imagine Me, Trying Too Hard To Put You From My Mind

So how exactly is it that a person could one day say they love you, and the next say theyíve decided your relationship is no longer important and they need to leave, just like that, no warning or prior discussion whatsoever, yet maintain that they do, in fact, still love you? If anyone has an answer for this other than "I call people who could do that Ďmen,í" Iíd love to hear it, cause Iíll be damned if I can come up with anything that makes sense. "I'm becoming a grown-up, and that means I don't want to deal with having to be responsible for caring about someone else" certainly doesn't.

I wonder how long until I can leave work and not have to think about not being able to call you? How long until I don't have to think about you the whole way home, debating whether it hurts less to pass your parents' house and be reminded of you, or take rt. 1 to avoid passing it and have to think about you as being the reason I am purposely changing my route?

I wonder if you really ever intend to speak to me again, or if any future contact between us will have to be entirely dictated by my initiative? I tend to think it would be stupid to get my hopes up, since whatever is going on in your head doesn't seem to leave you wanting anything to do with me.

(In the words of another Christine:)

Think of me,

Think of me fondly,

When we've said goodbye.

Remember me,

Once in a while -

Please promise me you'll try

Since you've found that,

Once again,

You long to talk your heart back

And be free -

If you ever find a moment,

Spare a thought for me

We never said our love was evergreen,

Or as unchanging as the sea -

But if you can still remember,

Stop and think of me

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

19 September 2004 // 7:52 p.m.

Paper Pieces On The Floor

So when Jay found out about what happened, he said to me, "I'm sorry kiddo, you know we love you and we wish there was something we could do. But remember God works in mysterious ways, and we know he has something better planned for you."

I'm hoping by "better" he didn't mean the son of his friend that he and Tracey apparently want me to marry ("his parents would make the best in-laws, they'd love you!"), but I appreciate the sentiment. I'm trying to keep this in mind....I'm not sure how I feel about God, but I know I'm worth something better. I can't say I deserve to be loved better, because I know Mike loved me and that would be selfish (and I'm going to try very hard not to stoop to that level).... but, as Lauren explained, sometimes things just aren't going to work because you're too different, no matter how much you love each other and how hard you try and want it to work.... so I *can* say I definitely deserve to have something that works better for me. I deserve someone whoís made up his mind about what he wants from his life before he includes me in it. Someone who will tell me on our 10-month anniversary that Iím still as "perfect" as the day we met and *not* be using it to break my heart (yeah, talk about a bittersweet compliment).

Ok, the truth? I am going to miss him dreadfully. Even if it's for the best, I am always going to resent the way in which it ended and feel sad about it. Even though I know I will get over it, I can't even begin to imagine how I'm going to feel complete without the comfort I felt with him. I really want nothing more than to curl up on my bed, wrapped in the sheets that still smell like him, cry myself to sleep, and never wake up. But I guess we all have our bad days, and I am very lucky to live with two people who would definitely come in and get me before I starved to death.... the kind of people who will put up with all my moaning and still invite me to a football game when I know *nothing* about football :)

They say the best thing is to just keep busy, so that will be my goal.... stay busy and achieve.

Happy last anniversary.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

17 September 2004 // 1:16 p.m.

Pain And Suffering

It's one thing to have to pay for your mistakes, but I haven't done anything wrong. I did whatever I had to do, and I did my best to make things right with us.

How can I possibly deserve this?

I guess the fortune teller was wrong afterall, since I am definitely not turning out to be the love of your life.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

16 September 2004 // 9:15 p.m.

Denied By The Ghost Of You

Remembering all of a sudden that our first song was actually a breakup song is driving me crazy at the moment. It's funny, all the little things you think of. I don't know how I'm going to make it through the weekend, when I was supposed to see you and now I won't. I don't know how I will make it through the fall, when the trees turn and we should be in North Adams hiking Greylock, when the weather is perfect for going to a corn maze, and when I see commercials for Fright Fest. I don't know how I will make it through thoughts of any of the so many things we will never get to do, or memories of time spent doing the things I will now have to do without you. I don't know what I'm going to do about my car, since the engine light is still on. I don't know if I can bear to ask for my few things back, and deal wth the coldness if you send an intermediary person to do it. I don't know how I'm going to ever again go hiking in Maine, or even go to Maine at all. I don't know how I'll keep from feeling lost the next time I take a train to the city, and it stops in Newark.

Tonight was one of only a small handful of times since working for the Devs that I left and didn't call you. It felt wrong not to. On the way home I thought of how it was a good thing I never spent the money on the pair of shoes I'd been going back and forth about because I knew you'd love them.... I'd never have even had the chance to wear them for you, and I would never have been able to wear them for anyone else. For that matter, I guess maybe my boots are now off the list too, since I bought them to look good for you.

Today I couldn't bring myself to take a shower before work, because I couldn't bear the thought that last night was the last time your skin would ever touch mine, and I didn't want to wash you away. Tonight, I have to find a way to do so. I don't know how I'm going to go to sleep washed clean of you.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

16 September 2004 // 12:58 p.m.

All I Can Do Is Watch You Leave

It took you 6 months to tell me you loved me, and in 4 more, you left me, 3 days before we hit 10 months together. How symbolic for me it should have come on the first day of the Jewish New Year....the time to forgive all your trespasses of the previous year and begin with a clean slate.

Nearly a year of my life gone to loving you, and now you're gone, just like that, with no warning and nothing I could do to change anything. I will never be able to understand why you have to go and do this without me. I will never understand why having to do it for yourself and yourself alone means you have to do it without me. You can't say 'I love you, it's not about you, it's what I need to do for me,' when you KNOW it's possible to achieve personal goals with someone by your side. People do it everyday in a million different ways, so I don't see why I can't stay by your side as you build your new life. You say you're leaving with nothing but good memories of me, so why are you running away?

I am so lost and confused and alone now, my heart is literally aching. I want you to be happy and I understand that you need to be away from here to do it, but donít you realize that you leaving here makes me want to run away too? I have been entertaining the idea of transferring to a school in another state in the spring, wondering if you would come with me and start a life somewhere better. So many bad memories for me in Jersey, but I would have stayed if you hadn't wanted to go. Now that I have nothing to stay for I probably will go, and I have my answer...you're not coming with me.



_______________________________________________________________________________________________

05 June 2004 // 2:06 a.m.

-

Why is everything so confusing?

Maybe I'm just out of my mind....

Forget it, this journal has become a complete waste of my time because god knows no one can respect it for what it is--my space to say whatever I want and is not up to anyone else to make assumptions based on the COMPLETELY incomplete thoughts I put down. WTF....if I wanted to talk about it, I'd just come out and say it, not write it here. It's a fucking online journal for Christ's sake.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

03 June 2004 // 2:19 a.m.

Bet I Would Feel Better If Only I Could Find The Door

I know it's been ages since I last updated, but it seems like I've been going back and forth between states of nothing happening that wouldn't bore everyone to tears to read about, or so much happening that I haven't had a chance to write about it. So, to wrap up loose ends:

I maintain that everytime I open my mouth about something good, it is followed by something equally powerfully bad. Fortunately, major disaster usually seems to be averted in the end, and for now all continues to be moderately well. I am officially moved into my new apartment, so things seem to be relatively under control with my living situation, and the last 9 months of hell can "serve as sweet discourses in days to come" (Romeo and Juliet, loosley quoted because I can't remember the exact line). Trying to get a handle on my financial situation, but my income is very irregular thanks to the unavoidably intermittant work schedule I am dealing with. Still, things are going better than they were during the period of 'life after Applebee's and before the Devs.' Speaking of which, the kids and I took some pictures in one of those little quick-photo things at the mall, and I decided to stick them to my computer for an instant pick-me-up....they're so adorable I can't stop smiling about it :) Although I still have my reservations about being stuck with the family 24/7 a gagillion miles from home for two weeks, I think there will be some great memories. (Plus....I'm starting to think that despite the recent improvements in my life, I need to get the hell out of Kansas for awhile. Gain a little perspective, that sort of thing. Just have to hope nothing will change too much without me here to keep an eye on things, even though I have good reason to wonder if I should be concerned that they will....or, worse, already have.)

On a related note, Mike and I are finally taking our trip next weekend, and I'm keeping my fingers crossed on a constant basis until then. God knows. Then it's off to Maine with him and an assorted collection of my family members the week after that, and onto the Caymans with my new family less than two weeks after we get home from there. Busy busy busy, but I do so *love* to travel, and it will all be in good company.

This weekend I am going to Iris' christening, which I'm sure will be lovely and bring many tears. I don't think I can put into words how proud of and happy for Maria I am. She has grown into a person I am truly, deeply impressed by, and she's probably the only person who really gets where I'm coming from. I think all of the recent events between us have done nothing but strengthen my odd sort of cross-faith between god and fate.

I think maybe after the christening I will head to the shore to hang out and go to the beach Monday morning. I could use a good night out, and definitely some more sun--my lovely tan is now grossly peeling thanks to the damage I did to my skin in a tanning bed. Now I have to gain another nice tan (a more permanent one) so I don't burn to a crispy lobster in the Caymans. That and, well, I love my home aside from my family.

Last but not least, the evil car situation.... Got hit a few weeks ago by a kid driving a Bronco, which, as I'm sure you can imagine, is not pretty in a collision with a tiny old Civic. Turns out the work to fix it will cost $4922.58, which is close to 4 times what the entire car cost when I got it. Only in New Jersey is car insurance so ridiculous that it's worth paying such an exorbatant amount of money out-of-pocket because reporting it to your agency would send your premiums even higher than the unaffordable cost of the repairs. This kid's dad is probably going to kill his ass.

Anyway, I guess that's quite long enough. If you've made it this far, you better hurry up and find something better to do before your brain rots.

Love.



_______________________________________________________________________________________________

17 May 2004 // 1:37 a.m.

The Trouble With Love Is....

Every time I turn around

I think Iíve got it all

My heart keeps callin

And I keep on fallin

Over and over again

I should have said it, right then and there. I can't even tell you how much I just wanted to say THIS is life, you and me sitting in this canoe on this river, this is life. Not the people walking by, not the better car you could be driving or bigger house you could be living in, none of THAT is what matters. THIS is the life I want to give you, where the fact that we love each other is all that really matters in the end, and yes I DO think about it constantly, and WHY isn't that a beautiful thing? Oh, and by the way, you're remarkably adorable with a sunburned nose.

But oh, there are a million other things on my mind, too. Today was truly about as perfect as days come, and I feel truly blessed in general lately. Granted, I never feel as content any other time of the year as I do in the summer, but life has never been so good as this regardless of the season. I'm almost afraid to say it, as it seems everytime I open my mouth about something good it is immediately followed by something awful, but life is more or less the best it has been in a very, very long time. Of course there's still the same old shit, but at least it IS a different day. I'm no longer pissed off about the fact that I have to get up every morning and face a new one, because now I have things to look forward to--namely, a boy I can't get enough of, knowing that even though packing is a pain in the ass it's leading to a much better place to live, and in the coming weeks I have vacations with both my family and pseudo-family. (By the way, just in case you're interested, the Cayman Islands are owned by the British. Now you can say you've learned something interesting today, even if it is useless to know :)

P.S. You really have to read this woman's diary. She kind of reminds me of my soon-to-be stepmother, and writes about everyday life in a way that never fails to make me laugh my ass off. The world needs more people who look at it like this....

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

02 May 2004 // 9:13 p.m.

Lately I've Been Thinking....

5.1.04

I have never been so sure of anything. I couldn't help crying....my body isn't big enough to hold this feeling. Nothing is really different, yet so much finally makes sense.

I'll be the embrace that keeps you warm

For you're the sun that breaks the storm

I'll be alright and I'll sleep sound

As long as you keep comin' round <3

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

29 April 2004 // 1:05 a.m.

Standing Outside The Fire

The more I stand back and simply don't worry, the more I realize there isn't anything to worry ABOUT.... <3

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

28 April 2004 // 12:57 a.m.

One Hand In My Pocket

So, let's see. A quick update:

Have to love the little everyday challenges life throws you, like trying to get your manual-shift car up a very steep hill in pouring rain and stop-and-go traffic : ) Never a dull moment, I tell you....

Lauren is engaged, so she probably won't ever be around the apartment, and I'm bummed 'cause I really wanted to live with her, but hey, I couldn't be happier for her (my own emotional issues about this matter aside : )

Maria and Iris and I went to the city on Sunday, and a fabulous time was had by all. It's probably the most eventful day I've ever spent there--I rode a taxi for the first time, we got denied entrance to a museum, and were yelled at for taking a picture in Tiffany's (though we still got our headliner "Breakfast At Tiffany's" shot >; ) Days as great as that one are very rare, which I guess makes me enjoy them even more :-D

Thanks to NJIT's Greek Week, Mike is spending every night this week drunk off his ass, and I am trying not to get crazy about it. We are talking about a guy who does things like burn the shit out of his arm, get in fights, and say incredibly out-of-character things and not remember any of it when excessively bombed, but I guess I knew I had to accept this when I chose to date a guy in a fraternity, right? ::looks upward and makes the sign of the cross:: Not that I'm the world's best drunk either, I admit.

I am planning a trip for Mike and I for next month, and I'm all excited, but I need everyone to pray for good weather since almost all of it is going to be outdoor stuff. Then again, for what the B&B costs, maybe we should pray for thunderstorms and make the most of our money....

Due to a family emergency in the Dev household, I am off work for the next two days. I'm actually not happy, because work gives me something entertaining to do as well as the fact that I need the money. However, it does give me plenty of time to catch up with people I haven't been able to see in awhile, so that's good....call to schedule an appointment : )

Last, I have to try dealing with the IRS again either tomorrow or Thursday. They FINALLY got my returns back in, so maaaaaybe I can get them within the next six weeks....cross your fingers, these people suck ass better than anal porn stars.

A Demain......



_______________________________________________________________________________________________

24 April 2004 // 12:27 p.m.

Say You Could, Say You Would, Say You'll Come And Stop The Rain

Once upon a year gone by

She saw herself give in

Everytime she closes her eyes

She sees what could have been

Ok, I deleted all of that because I'm over it now and everyone was getting the wrong idea. I've said it before, and I'll say it again....this is my space to get things out, so I get to be all dramatic and say things as they feel the moment I write them. Don't worry, I'm not gonna go jump off a bridge just yet....

Anyway. For those of you who know her, Maria's baby is probably the most beautiful and perfect baby I've ever seen. We met up yesterday and talked for 3 and a half hours, and it felt SO good to see her. We're going to take a trip to New York as soon as we can, and I can't wait :)

That's all I have time for now, more eventually. Have to do some girl things before work so I can look pretty for Mike later....and trust me, it takes a lot of time for me to get girly ;)

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

22 April 2004 // 1:43 a.m.

Unsung

The greatest thing you'll ever learn

Is just to love,

And be loved in return.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

20 April 2004 // 11:39 a.m.

Sleep Is For Suckers

For the past couple months, all of my dreams have been so fucked up I'm always upset when I wake up. Given my insomnia, I'm back to only about 5 hours a night anyway, and that's never even a solid sleep. I think I just need to stop sleeping altogether.

Maybe just try getting a new bed? Hmm.

Yet another reason to look forward to moving.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

20 April 2004 // 3:20 a.m.

This World Was Never Meant For One As Beautiful As You

And so I fall

And let my heartbeat drop

I falter as the music stops

So, today I found out a second friend from high school recently had a baby. She also moved to Vegas....hunh. I dunno, I guess I thought by this point I'd have done something interesting with my life, and everytime I hear about someone else I knew who has, I feel more depressed about the fact that I just keep fucking up every chance to get my life rolling. I mean, where I am now is definitely on a good path, but it's not EXCITING, and if I stay on it, it never will be. Hell, less than that....most of the time I feel like it's not even fulfilling. It seems most people are happy to just settle for the best that comes their way, convinced that it doesn't matter if they didn't get to live exactly how they wanted as long things aren't totally crappy. Unfortunately, I really don't think I'll ever be able to do this. I feel like I'm always going to feel like I'm missing out, because I'm not able to just be content with the fact that at least things don't suck as badly as they could. But, since I can't control much of anything (especially people), I know I'm going to have to learn to settle or always be miserable that nothing is perfect. Maybe if I could just be reassured that my actions are appreciated for once, instead of having them complained about....

Caught up in circles,

Confusion is nothing new

Dear god. Some days are so amazing, but others just feel like there's a gaping hole in my chest. Far too many of my days are both at the same time. Here's to 5 months, even though I'm the only one who thinks it's important to know.

Please come with me, see what I see

Don't you see your dreams lie right in the palm of your hand?

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

17 April 2004 // 4:39 p.m.

My Blue Heaven

Nothing like a visite a l'hopital to kick off your weekend. Turns out I was right about the UTI, and apparently cranberry juice and vitamin C are not miracle cures :-/ So now I have this fun medicine that makes me pee orange, wheee (I'm sure you wanted to know that), and this other one that makes me tres mal a l'estomach and dizzy. It really sucks, because this pretty much killed the weekend. I couldn't be more bummed about ruining what should have been a great evening last night....Mike made us dinner (I can't even tell you how much I love that he did that), but instead of spending the evening relaxing, we spent it in the emergency room. Then the side effects of the medicine plus the pain of the infection left me pretty much incapable of watching the kids today--and we were going to the park for some good family bonding and kite-flying, too....considering how short-tempered I've been with them the past few days, I feel so bad for not being there today. I'll have to think of some grand gesture to make it up to them on Monday....

Anyway. What else? Umm....the housing inspector never came on Tuesday, after I spent 4 hours cleaning on Monday night. CHRIST I can't wait to move. Interestingly enough, Rick hasn't made a peep about us taking our security deposit out of our rent. A tiny bit of me is wondering if I'm going to come home to a big padlock on the house or something....but honestly, I think he realizes we've (I'VE) had enough of his shit and he doesn't have a leg to stand on. Only a month and a half left anyway, why raise a fuss? Eh, pish.

Oh, and there's the thing with my mom. To make a long story short, she's decided to become a devout Catholic again. Apparently, nothing that has happened in the past year led her to believe she and Marty were going to get divorced, and the shock of him finally getting things rolling in that direction has left her with no hope other than to turn to God or something. Riiiiight. First of all, she has got to be the only person on the planet that was somehow not aware of the impending divorce, and it makes NO SENSE how she "didn't know"....my stepfather asked her to move out a year ago, she finally did 8 months ago, AND he changed the locks on his house to keep her out. Yet that never equated to him wanting her out of his life....? I swear, I am running out of ideas for dealing with her....she lives on some entirely different plane existence than the rest of humanity. ::Sigh of utter frustration:: More on that as events warrant.

Anyway, time to run. Later gators.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

15 April 2004 // 10:12 p.m.

Hush, Hush, Darling, She Might Overhear

Sometimes, I really have to wonder. For one thing, I often have the gut feeling that there has got to be something better--but then again, that's nothing new. But for another, I often have the gut feeling I'm being kept in the dark--and that definitely is new, which makes me think I might be just be stupidly ignoring the obvious by telling myself it's all in my mind. Damned if there isn't *something* going on here.... Anyway, I guess I'm just extra cranky because I've been wiping runny noses all week (or having them wiped on me), and now I'm sick (plus I think I have a UTI, fun fun fun *extremely uncomfortable and painful*) and god knows I have no hope of being comforted beyond the obvious suggestion of going to the doctor. Yeah, thanks for caring that I feel like complete crap. But, on the bright side, the kids told me they loved me tonight....it's always great when you hear those three words <3 I'm really attached to these little buggers....

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

14 April 2004 // 9:43 p.m.

Stolen

"I tried to remember the feeling I'd had waking just an hour before - the assured sense that simply being with him could be enough - the disipline to stop myself from wanting more.† Because it was the endless wanting that would break you, I thought.† The constant craving for a love that might never be fullfilled that would bring you low, bit by bit, until one day you'd no longer be able to recognize any part of yourself."

"If I could write the song that wins over your heart, would you ever listen to the words?"

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

08 April 2004 // 10:20 p.m.

Hello Goodbye

So apparently my room got advertised for the summer, and I'm going to be rooming with Lauren. I'm sure this will be fine, except I'm a tad miffed with Laura, this girl I don't even know, advertising MY room for subletting and just assuming it would be kosher with me and Lauren before bringing it up to either of us. Obviously I could refuse, but I'd rather avoid the conflict since I'm sure sharing the double with Lauren for a few months will be fine. But this on top of finding out I'm going to be spending yet another holiday by myself. Not that I love congregating with the cast of Jerry Springer anyway, but I'm upset that no one in my family even called to ask if I wanted to come this year. I finally caved and called my mom and found out she's going to Virginia to visit my aunt, and it never crossed her mind that I might not already have plans (like I would because....?). And of course I'm watching the kids on Saturday, so I can't go with her on such short notice. Throw in a big heap of PMS, and I'm on the verge of some serious emotional trauma today. :-/

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

31 March 2004 // 8:41 p.m.

Oh Very Young

So tonight the 3-year old I babysit looked at me and said, "Did you cut your hair?" I told him no, I changed the color, and he said, "Well it's beautiful". Oh, how I love this job. Nothing like going to work everyday and having three small people absolutely thrilled to see you, and not wanting you to leave at night. I don't even mind the fact that I come home covered in spit, soaking wet from bathtime, and smelling like baby powder. I can't remember the last time I was so happy with my employment :)

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

29 March 2004 // 12:59 a.m.

Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman

It sucks when you're having a mellow night, and you just want to relax and have a quality conversation or time with ....someone.... and they are totally in another frame of mind and don't have 2 uninterrupted minutes of attention to give you.

::sigh::

In other news. I started 'working' again today....I'm watching 3 kids every afternoon for parents who apparently like to eat out every night and hate the hassle of having to get their kids bathed, read to, and into bed. Thus, they pay me to. Nothing like having to bathe 3 small children at the same time, let me tell you....generally, though, I think it'll be fun.

In even bigger news....I just found out one of my best friends from high school had a baby last month. I'm thrilled for her, but so jealous I can almost taste it. I'm glad her life is working out well and she has a beautiful new daughter. She deserves it and I know she'll be a great mother. It's just....I can't even express how much I wish I knew what that were like. But I probably shouldn't even say that much, because I'm sure everyone who reads this is going to take it aaaallllll wrong. In any event, she's the first person in my group who's had a baby. I can't believe I'm at that age. However, on that note, I can't believe how weird being a 20-something is. A year ago I was pretty much on my way to the altar, and now weddings and babies (hell, even a relationship anywhere close to that kind of adulthood) seems so far down the road it might as well be another planet. By my age, my mother was already 2 1/2 months pregnant with me....but of course, my family still thinks I'm completely incapable of making any kind of adult decision. Nevermind the fact that to this day my mother has never been able to support herself, let alone her children, while I've been on my own for a couple years. I guess what I'm trying to get at is how drastically the degrees of adult-ness fluctuate in your 20's. I always thought if I could just hold onto my sanity until I was 21 the world would finally take me seriously; turns out it varies day by day, but leans more towards the 'still treating me like a little girl' mentality. Unless, of course, we're talking about bill collectors--seems that money has a lot to do with how seriously people take you. This does not help whatever shreds of sanity I have managed to maintain. I just want stability....and it sucks to have to walk the line between settling for less than I want just to have it, or keep stumbling blindly through each day having no idea what exactly I'm waiting for in the hope of having stability AND everything else I want in the future. I think when it really comes down to it, this is the root of my depression....being stuck in this crazy phase of life. As much as I can make my best effort to just enjoy it, and at times reeeeeeally do, I don't think I'm going to feel fulfilled until it's over. Eh, 21 years down, 9 maximum to go.

....Not that I've even come close to expressing *any* of this in a fashion that's going to correctly explain to anyone else how I feel. Meh. Once again, I kindly remind you to keep in mind that this is only my online journal, not a direct window to my brain, and "the simplest phase could have a thousand meanings"....and a lot of meaningful things have been omited.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

24 March 2004 // 10:39 p.m.

Celebrity Skin

I hate how watching makeover and plastic surgery shows makes me feel like I need a ton of work. I mean, come on, if people who are totally ugly and fat (I'm not trying to be mean, I'm just making a point, nobody freak out at me) can get beautiful in 6 weeks with the right surgery, clothes, hairstyle, and makeup....what about those of us who are normal to begin with? I'm like, oh my god, some people CAN'T get rid of love handles no matter what they do?? I need liposuction! Oh my god, my breasts aren't proportionate to my body?? I need implants!! Think of the body I could have!! And my teeth! And my haircut! Etc, etc, etc.

Last night Mike and I were in Wal-Mart, and he looked over at the magazine rack and picked out this one cover girl and commented how she didn't quite look real, and I said it was because they had airbrushed the crap out of her like just about EVERY model....but of course the thought crossed my mind "god I wish my skin was that nice, she's so pretty." And I know, like every other straight man alive, he looks at Britney Spears and instantly thinks "want to fuck," and no amount of "Britney Spears without makeup" pictures will ever get it through any guy's head that she looks totally normal when she's not done up for the cameras. See, we're all told how fake pictures in magazines are, and how much makeup they're really wearing on tv--but I don't think many of us truly believe that most of these women look just like you and me. And it's sad, because they really do. I remember going to a couple agencies with my parents when I was younger and they wanted me to give runway modeling a shot. And you know what I learned? Sure, there's a lot of girls out there who are just drop-dead gorgeous. But you would not believe how the right makeup and lighting can make the most average looking girl appear divinely beautiful. And so we see these girls, with the right makeup and lighting and airbrushing, and think that we could never be so beautiful, and the truth is, THEY are rarely that beautiful!

And so I sit here, looking at myself in the mirror on my desk, and try to rationalize that I should be confident with the way I am. It would be nice to be breathtakingly beautiful, but I seriously don't think it would improve the quality of my life. I have made a resolution to take a little better care of myself, and being more active is definitely making me feel a little more comfortable in my skin. I look at pictures of myself from anytime before my senior year of high school and think how much I have made myself over, and try to be content with the fact that it won't (naturally) get a whole lot better than this, and 'this' isn't so bad.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

18 March 2004 // 12:44 a.m.

ZING!

Sometimes I look at myself and think how my face looks different than I remember it looking the day before. Does that make any sense? Too bad I never look in the mirror and find myself suddenly looking like Angelina Jolie or something. At least there's always my perfect eyebrows. Now if only my obsessive compulsive tendencies could somehow lead to perfecting the rest of me in the next week and a half....

Anyway. Tomorrow it's 'over the river and through the woods to grandmother's house' with Mike. I can't help but be a little excited; I think it will be pretty fun cause my cousin will be around to hang out with, and it will nice for him to meet some of my family. It's a good way to introduce him slowly--he can meet the most "normal" ones first, plus if he can't come to Maine with me in June at least my grandma will be able to tell my dad what a wonderful boy he is and all that good stuff. Not that my dad will really care, but Kim will.

Ummm, what else? ....I cleaned out one of our coffee makers and fiddled around with it, and came up with my own mochaccino-type drink. Only, I think I must have made the coffee really strong or something, cause I only drank a cup and a half and I feel like my heart is going to beat out of my chest. On the bright side, now I have the oomph to go clean the bathroom....which ::grrrrr!:: I just cleaned three days ago but now has muddy footprints all over the counter, toilet, and tub from my asshole landlord "fixing" (meaning installing a drop-ceiling to half-assedly cover up the existing bathroom ceiling) the damage caused by the Great Flood back in November.

So....man, I'm so caffeinated I can't even keep track of what I'm saying. I'm gonna go clean now, and then pack. Uhh, yup! And oh yeah, HAPPY BIRTHDAY DESI ROSE! Love, Chrissy Ann. ;)

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

13 March 2004 // 4:46 a.m.

The Lights Of The City Are The Stars On The Ground

Last night Lauren asked me a question I've been getting a lot lately, and for which I couldn't come up with a good answer this time....I was so drunk I just laughed it off, but the truth is, the fact that I didn't have something blatantly obvious to say should disturb me--and it does, but only for the wrong reasons. 'Cause you know what? I'm pretty sure I had nothing to say because there's nothing important to even BE said that wouldn't be stretching the truth....all the empty answers I've had lately HAVE been pulling it pretty thin, and I suppose there's no point in pretending I wasn't aware. Eitz veeeeeryvery intehrestink, my dear....

Actually, bottom line, you tell the truth sometimes.

And sometimes you tell the truth like you're pulling taffy.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

11 March 2004 // 3:24 a.m.

Romeo, Romeo....

I know some of you have already seen this as my away message, but I thought I'd take a minute and put it up here for others. I came across it during my ridiculous cram session for European History last night, and if nothing else, I now actually mind slightly less about how much this class sucks because it's worth it just to have read this:

If you a man would be

If you know what love can do

Have pity and suffer me

With welcome to come to you.

Apparently, when archeologists were digging up the ruins of Pompeii they discovered all kinds of things carved into walls, graffiti-style....and this one really caught my attention. It seems like a Shakespearian quote, doesn't it?

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

09 March 2004 // 2:55 p.m.

Raindrops On Roses And Whiskers On Kittens....

In light of the fact that the weather is continuing to be shitty and so is my mood, I thought I'd try and make a list of some of the small things/memories that make me happiest....

--the tiny soap bubbles that float out of the bottle when you're doing the dishes

--being able to smell the ocean in the air

--snorkling in the carribbean

--my dog mic, the first time I met him and he was just the tinest ball of fur with humongous ears, and he was still so young he fell asleep in my arms

--the little tupperware jar of "beach" in my car

--my boardwalk date with mandy, esp the banana split

--my dad waking me up in the middle of the night to watch a terrific thunderstorm on the front porch

--splashing in puddles with my sister when I was little

--any rollercoaster, anytime, anywhere

--leading a "braless revolution" in Paris....even if I only got one follower

--studying art, and then seeing it in person

--4 trail dots (....) instead of 3 (...)

--watching people do things they love, and seeing the look on their faces while they're doing it (most recently, Mike playing soccer)

--getting mail other than bills and junk

--songs I could listen to for hours on repeat

--being sung to

--spending weeks wearing nothing but flipflops for footwear

--the way my hair felt on my back when it was long, and the way it feels when someone touches it

--having something to look forward to

*updated 10:15pm--visits from old friends!!*

....there, I feel a little better.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

06 March 2004 // 4:34 p.m.

Untitled

Three weeks. I have never felt so empty or foolish.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

05 March 2004 // 5:13 p.m.

Where Is My Mind?

Well, it's certainly been awhile since I had a day where I woke up and couldn't figure out what exactly was going on, or remember exactly what the hell happened the night before. It's funny how I protest mood-altering medications, yet fully endorse the thoughtless abuse of mind-numbing substances. Maybe this is because I don't want to feel better....I just don't want to feel at all. Last night I was beginning to think I might as well give up and take it as another bitter lesson learned, when in came the last people on earth I would ever have expected to take my mind off it all. But then, little surprises me anymore....I have given up any notions of actually having control over anything. Maybe I should just stop trying to fight the current and let it carry me under....it seems useless to hope for good anymore, so maybe I should do myself the favor of making the death of my last ounce of faith easier by just accepting the fact that I'm drowning....

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

02 March 2004 // 11:44 p.m.

Life's A Dance You Learn As You Go

One step foward, two steps back. ::Sigh:: ....Good thing tomorrow's another day.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

02 March 2004 // 2:07 a.m.

And You Hope They Will See You've Got Your Heart On Your Sleeve....

While I was in line at the supermarket today, I was thinking how convenient it would be if all supermarkets had the prices of everything online--then you'd know what was cheapest where. Then I thought how middle-aged thinking something like that made me feel. Dear god, what is happening to me? I'm beginning to feel more like a 30-something spinster than myself. It's so weird how recently it's been at least once a day that some thought pops into my head that stops me in my tracks like that--it's a little unnerving that myriads of such ideas drift in and out of my mind so absentmindedly, when they are SO very much different from the life I thought I wanted. If you had asked me a year ago where I thought I'd be in 5 years, the answer would have been completely opposite the one I'd give you now, which surprises me greatly. I have seen very few examples of couples who have successfully pursued "The American Dream", which had me pretty much decided that I'd rather not try it. I generally saw myself living alone in the city, maybe adopting someday....maintaining the same independance as always, and being far better off than 40, divorced, and bitter. I didn't think I'd ever be comfortable spending my life with one person, and (god forbid) I'd never want to depend on anyone else to support me, but somehow that has changed....and I think it must be pretty fucked up that the idea of trying to be with someone is scarier to me than purposely still being alone at 40. I guess it's that being on my own is nothing new, and there's no disappointment when you don't let anyone in. I'm capable of taking care of myself and like that I answer to no one. To me, depending on myself is stability. And yet....I'm taking baby steps toward hoping that someday my definition of that word can be altered to include someone else. I guess I can't stay in my protective bubble forever....but damn it's scary to finally want the things most people never think twice about. I can't help thinking this might just be another cosmic joke in the long line I've had played on me, just one more time life can fuck with my head and laugh at me or something.

Ok, but anyway. Heavy stuff. I'll stop now.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

29 February 2004 // 6:44 p.m.

Girl's Not Grey

So, it's been an interesting weekend. We had a fire inspector, housing inspector, and police inspector come by and threaten eviction for the many many many problems going on around here, which of course meant complete panic and pandemonium. Tuesday or Wednesday our fate will be decided...and I am sooooo fed up. I can't wait for June! I'll be moving over to the Birchwood apartments to live with my friend Lauren and her roommate Laura. Compared to here, it will be like dying and going to heaven.

Anyway. Despite all the shit with the house, it was a great weekend. Finally went to the Stress Factory for Mike's birthday and had a great time, then spent the day together yesterday. I think it was probably the best time we've ever had together....I couldn't have enjoyed it more. ::Sighs happily:: I am so head over heels for this boy, I don't think I even care which end is up.

Ok, back to reality....I'm probably going to have to transfer to University College. So I'll still be a Rutgers student, just be able to be part-time. I don't know if there's other things about it...like I don't think I'll ever walk at a graduation or anything. But the truth is, I don't care...I just want to get a degree and be done with all of this.

Anyway....that's it for now. It's been a busy day, and I still have a bunch of little things to do. Woohoo.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

25 February 2004 // 1:46 a.m.

Beautiful Disaster

So the dog I want is upwards of $900, which means I will probably never own one. Meh :( I reeeeeeally want a pet. I'd settle for adopting one from a shelter, but unfortunately my life has no allowances for anything more than a hamster or a goldfish at the moment....and they don't live too long and aren't terrifically playful. (By the way, who else thought "hamster" had a "p" in it? But according to spell check, it doesn't....)

Anyway. I was in an organizational mood last night, which basically means going through all my stuff and throwing out the crap I haven't looked at in ages to make room for more crap I haven't had space to put away. And strangely enough, among the crap I found a number of old cards from Andrew....I guess I moved here in such a hurry I never cleaned out my totes and drawers, just threw more stuff in on top of what was already in them, and the old crap remained overlooked until last night. But anyway, I went through and read all of them, and ::uncomfortable shifting:: it made me feel deeply sad to be reminded that whirlwind romances are rarely stable....it was fun to have a relationship built on silly post-it notes and greeting cards full of beautiful words. I miss that I had someone in my life with whom I could spend 24 hours a day every day and never be sick of them, and hate that the truth behind feeling that way is that it's terribly unhealthy. But, I now realize that all the years of being doted over never got me anywhere, and I think there's a lesson I should be learning from that--mainly that covering up the hardships of reality with poetry and presents doesn't really work. (Yes, that was painful to say ;) Anyway....I think it was really cathartic to be able to literally take my royally-treated past and throw it away and not think twice about it.

I dunno....sometimes it's really REALLY hard to just trust, when I'm used to totally different treatment, and I know it causes problems for my current relationship. However, I think it's a step in the right direction that a large part of me feels guilty for needing special treatment to feel special....why should I have to be constantly validated? I guess I'm so used to being treated that way I never realized it was even an issue, but I do now and I'm going to attempt working on it. I suppose we'll see....but it definitely doesn't help that I'm a lot better explaining things in writing than in person. Sometimes I really just want to bang my head repeatedly against a hard surface.

Stranger than your sympathy

And this is my apology

I killed myself from the inside out

And all my fears have pushed you out

And I wished for things that I don't need

And what I chased won't set me free

And I get scared but I'm not crawlin' on my knees

Everything's all wrong

Who the hell did I think I was?

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

23 February 2004 // 10:26 p.m.

A Box Full Of Sharp Objects

The last two days have been the weirdest days I've had in a long time, mentally speaking. It feels so strangely frustrating to find my thoughts wandering towards things I'm not really in a position to be wanting for myself right now. I guess a lot of it is probably just what's left in the wake of recent events, and I probably just need to give myself time. But...

Yesterday I found myself saying things I don't usually let myself think about, and it hurt like hell on so many levels I can't even begin to describe. A long time ago, there were certain things I made myself accept, things about my family and my circumstances...things I learned to just feel numb about because there's nothing I can do to change them. And suddenly, the pain seems to have caught up with me. I hate that I can't talk to my mom about falling in love, that my dad doesn't care what boys do to me, and that I don't have much of a family to offer my future family. I hate that the one person half-assedly left in charge of raising me was so emotionally abusive I can't even think about her--and yet the fact that she's gone from my life now still feels strange, because as dysfunctional as my "bond" with her was, it was still stronger than with either of my parents, and in a way I feel like an orphan.

I'm so used to being unbending when it comes to what I truly believe. I also suck at compromising in relationships. I've fought very hard to make this life for myself with very little help, and I'll be damned if anyone is going to come along and pick apart what they see as personality faults I've incurred. I know I'm not perfect, and so fucking what? You'd be a tad bitter too. And yet...for the first time, I find myself caring, and I can't come up with a good reason why. I don't want this baggage, but I can't just drop it somewhere, and I feel so defensive when it's brought up. I am trying SO HARD to let go...shouldn't that count for something?

I've never been able to get this right before, and in the end I've always been glad...but I would give anything to get it right this time. I'm just filled with so much doubt...disappointment follows me closer than my shadow, and I can only deal with it as long as I never let myself want too much in the first place...and right now, I want way too much.

--Noise and Kisses--

Look in my eyes

I'm jaded now,

Whatever that means...

By sharing these things

I rip my heart out

It's worth my time,

Whatever that means...

Hard to see up

My neck feels stiff until I wake up

The orange I choked

And back to my neck

It's worth my time,

Whatever that means...

So

Share with me,

'Cause I need it right now

Let me see your insides

Or write me off

'Cause I'd rather starve now

If you won't open up

Give it to me,

Give me all... whatever you want

It's never been me

To want this much from you

I can see

It tears me up

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

21 February 2004 // 5:01 p.m.

We Were Meant To Live For So Much More...

I just read a website suggesting there is something wrong with being a young white person who lives for overpriced coffee from Starbucks and likes designer clothing. And, it hit me--I have become one of those people. ....And you know what? Awesome. Although my mindset is still somewhat rebelious, and I will probably NEVER give in to the desire for the trappings of a rich white suburban life, I think growing up is about admitting I love Starbucks, Manolos, and stability, and that there's nothing wrong with it. You can't stay punk rock forever and call yourself an adult. Though some days I do miss my fishnets ;)

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

21 February 2004 // 1:21 p.m.

Untitled

One week.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

18 February 2004 // 2:08 p.m.

L.O.V.E.

The fact that I actually need to sit here and try to define the idea of "love" to myself is sad. How come I never felt like I had to question it before? You'd think this should be the best, most natural and fun thing about life, not cause to be embarrassed for yourself.

L is for the way you look at me

O is for the only one I see

V is very very extraordinary

E is even more than anyone that you adore

Lovely...Nat King Cole's got a great thing going there, but there's got to be way more to it. I wish there was a term for the space between "I like you" and "You share my soul". I think it would keep a lot of people from saying the three small words that SHOULD change your life before they really reach that place, as well as give those of us who more than "like" our partners a way of saying so. Then again, if there were, THAT would probably become a sticky situation too.

Consider....maybe it's the need to HAVE words to define the way we feel that makes it uncomfortable to just let go and feel?



_______________________________________________________________________________________________

18 February 2004 // 12:58 a.m.

Quick Note

I just wanted to explain something, for those who are not aware (as most of you aren't). A lot of what gets written in this journal is upsetting and/or uncomfortable to read. I am well aware of this. The thing is, most of the time I only feel inspired to write when I am very upset. When I'm happy, I don't really need to talk about being happy, but when I'm upset, I just feel better when I express myself. So...I promise I'm not clinical or anything. The End.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

16 February 2004 // 3:59 p.m.

Never Pay The Reaper With Love Only

well, if there's one thing i'm good at, it's ruining everything.

sometimes, there's just nothing i can do. life is not like the movies--people don't see the light and change, love conquers nothing, making the right decision in a tough situation doesn't always make you happy in the end, and you don't get a happy ending by hanging on through the rough times and being a good person. i can't even watch tv, listen to the radio, or so much as leave the house without feeling completely worked up all of a sudden. i resent people for being happy, and everything feels so unbelievably fake. i want to just disappear....go to sleep and never wake up, maybe. not die....just fade away. anything to be able to stop crying and hating myself. anything to keep me from having to make any more decisions. anything to make me not care that i'll never be able to feel loved the way i want to be.

for what i've destroyed....i am truly sorry.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

15 February 2004 // 1:32 p.m.

"O" Is For The Only One I See...

The thing that sucks about emotion is that, no matter how hard you try, you can't control it. You can lie to yourself and pretend you feel differently, but in the end, it's just as bad as feeling the way you don't want to. I kind of feel about my heart like I feel about my family--like I don't know or understand it at all, and I'm ashamed to admit to having it because I despise it for its behaviour. Lately, it seems my heart has run so far away from me it has gone beyond the control of my years of carefully constructed rationality, and I hate it for doing so. I think maybe it's become some entity of its own, in a way, since it obviously isn't relying on my brain for operating instructions anymore.

Growing up, I was always afraid of developing an addiction like everyone else in my family. Alcoholism runs especially ramapant, with smoking a close second. Since becoming somwhat of an adult, I have been very careful to limit how often I indulge in these things in order to keep myself safe. Unfortunately, it seems I have found my addiction anyway....and I *wish* it was only as bad as something that would kill my body.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

13 February 2004 // 2:17 p.m.

I Choose Chocolate

I've never absolutely *loved* Valentine's day or anything--certainly never looked forward to it-- but last year sucked especially badly, and this year will probably suck worse. I really wish someone could understand how I feel. Even though unfortunate things are sometimes necessary, I don't think it's wrong that I feel negatively about them. I'm simply not a coldly rational person, and I don't why I should be made to feel like I should just keep my feelings to myself.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

12 February 2004 // 1:48 a.m.

No one wants to hear complaining, especially when it's the uncomfortable truth.

I think I have watched entirely too much HGTV and Style Network type stuff in the last 21 years. Maybe that's why I hate this house so intensely. Every five minutes I'm designing a room in my head, and it's so depressing that it's gonna be like a miiiiiiiiiillion years before I have a place I can actually decorate. I should screw morality and become a stripper. It would be nice to have the money to live in a studio or single apartment. If I end up in a place like this again in June, I will kill myself...and it's looking quite likely. It's so fucking expensive to live around here, and I dont know anyone who needs a new place....which means finding another random housemate(s)....which means another year of not quite feeling at home. I suppose whoever I'm living with wouldn't be that hard to deal with as long as the place isn't falling apart at the seams, though. The surroundings matter far more than the people living in them, to a point. As long as I have my own room with a deadbolt, I could live with just about anyone. But the thing is, I don't want to live with just about anyone. Considering I support myself, it would be nice to have somewhere to call MY home.

***signal brake into extreme discomfort for those who would rather bury things***

The thing is, every year I'm here sucks more. I feel so trapped and lonely in this house. I hated dorm life because it sucked to have no privacy, but this year has crushed my hope that living off-campus would make things better. I feel like it doesn't matter what I do--inevitably, everything just isn't working for me. I can't help but wonder why nothing ever works out, no matter what direction I go in. I've been told I stress way too much about minor setbacks and things I can't control, but how many setbacks and wildly uncontrollable situations can one person reasonably be expected to handle? I manage to keep my life in pretty much a controlled crash state--but in the end, despite the best of my controlling, I'm still going to crash.



_______________________________________________________________________________________________

08 February 2004 // 9:03 p.m.

Just Breathe

Have I mentioned it's been a shitty day? The dreams still have me really worked up. For once, I really hope I'm just paranoid and not right...especially now that I need emotional support more than ever. I think I now understand what the arrow dream was about, and it's sad that I think I really do feel that way. Why is it that people either don't see what's right in front of them, or refuse to let it get to them the way it should when they do?

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

08 February 2004 // 3:59 p.m.

Nightmares

I was just reading a diary that I check up on from time to time, and the woman who runs it had her potential wedding ceremony posted for comment. Apparently she and her fiance have different religions, so she wrote a beautiful script to incorporate both of their beliefs. ...I got about a half a page into it before I had to stop reading. I sudenly felt so emotional I almost started crying. The "M" subject seems to be popping up a lot lately, and it makes me very sad...I can't really explain why.

I've been having a lot of nightmares lately. Last night I distinctly remember three--in one of them, I was shot in the throat with some kind of arrow and blood was spurting out of my mouth everytime I opened it. I could actually taste the blood...I had to try to keep swallowing it because I was trying to tell everyone I loved them, but I didn't have a voice. In all three of the dreams, something equally awful and terrifying happened. Hours later, I find myself still feeling pretty shaken by them.

I know I haven't updated a lot since I put this dairy back up, but the thing is, the only things going on in my life right now that I need to discuss are generally Mike and Mike-related things. And though I think it would do some good to talk about some of these things, I don't really think it would be appropriate. I'm becoming really private these days...

Anyway. The cat has taken to sleeping on top of my computer and it's really cute. I really want a pet. Still looking for a job....time to get serious this week. I really need to find something. Wish me luck and feel free to offer suggestions... Maybe do the same for an apartment...?

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

03 February 2004 // 4:44 p.m.

A Sorta Fairytale

The problem with things seeming too good to be true is that they always are. But honestly....nothing good is ever easy, so I'm not going to sit around thinking about how I'd want things to have worked out *perfectly*. This is going to sound really manic because I haven't updated for awhile, but despite everything, things feel better than I could possibly have imagined they would...and though I can't understand it, I definitely feel something I've never felt before.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

25 January 2004 // 2:08 a.m.

Thank You

I appreciate everyone who has expressed their concern for me, but the thing is, I can't be expected to feel a certain way about things just because it seems like the "right" way to feel to you. I know it seems like I should just be angry and huff that I'm worth more, etc etc etc, and yes, some part of me does feel that way, but I can't dismiss the confusion and hurt with simple anger. Not a whole lot makes sense to me right now, and I can't help feeling heartbroken and lost. Maybe next time I'll know better, but that doesn't change the fact that this time I didn't, and there's nothing I can do but work through whatever emotions pop up. Trust me, I hate feeling this way--it's hard not to blame myself and feel pathetic for not dealing better--and if I could snap my fingers and make it all go away, I would...but we all know that's not possible, so for now, please just let me do what I need to do.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

22 January 2004 // 3:08 p.m.

But Forever Never Seems To Be Around When It Ends

I hate how pain is cyclical....it just builds up to the point my brain shuts off for a little while and goes numb and I think I'm starting to do ok, but gradually it comes back and I end up losing it all over again. I am so far from ok it would scare me if I were capable of caring...but the truth is, I just want to get back in bed and drift away and never wake up. I want the last two months of my life back, and I want all the pretty words erased from my memory. I want none of this to ever have happened.

lately iíve been thinking

lately iíve been dreaming with you

iím so resitant to this type of thinking

oh, now itís shining through

i was alone for the last time

before my nightís vacation with you

alive from the first

now iím denied by the ghost of you

you take yourself a photograph and laugh at me

please

i know thereís little use in crying

itís more wide awake and dying then iím used to

i thought weíd walk these streets together

now iím hoping that iíll never have to meet you

step aside from all this anger

and somewhere in between i can feel you

ask me should we try again

iím thinking no

yíknow, itís not what i believe in

itís not what i believe in

you take yourself a photograph and laugh at me

please

you make yourself a photograph and laugh at me

please

no i, wanna taste you, love

no i...no i

no i, just wanna taste you, love

standing in your shoes

i turn and now

youíre standing bare in my doorway

i only wish that i had been prepared

iím gonna have to go along with your way

just take the plastic camera out

itís the pants you borrowed in the driveway

alive from the first

now iím denied by the ghost of you

make yourself a photgraph and laugh at me

please

you make yourself a photograph and laugh at me

ple